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In the interests of a greener planet, Blazz Music is proud to present some recycled jokes...Life and afterlife St. Peter asks the person in front of the pearly gates, "What did you do in life?" The reply - I was a physician - brought a generous smile from St. Peter who said, "Very noble profession, you are welcome in heaven. Of course, there's nothing for you to do here as we have no illness of any kind, but you are most welcome in heaven. The bar on the left goes on forever, the buffet on the right goes on to eternity, and the pink fluffy looking cloud in the middle is where God hangs out; feel free to talk to God, eat and drink as much as you like; you are welcome in heaven. St. Peter asks the next person, "What did you do in life?" The reply - I was a lawyer - brought a disgruntled look as St. Peter rolled his eyes and said, "Well, everyone is welcome in heaven. Of course, there's nothing for you to do here as we have no crime or ill will or accidents of any kind, but you are welcome in heaven. The bar on the left goes on forever, the buffet on the right goes on to eternity, and the pink fluffy looking cloud in the middle is where God hangs out; feel free to talk to God, eat and drink as much as you like; you are welcome in heaven. St. Peter asks the next person, "What did you do in life?" The reply - I was a jazz bassist - brought an excited response of delight as St. Peter excitedly said, "You're going to love it here! The jam sessions go on forever! And you can play with Miles, or Trane, or Bill Evans. Duke Ellington writes a new piece for the band every day. There's plenty of solo space, no weird keys, nothing out of tune, no bad notes, no bad changes, and the time is always rock solid - you're going to love it here! By the way, you didn't park out front, did you? Listen, stay away from the bar and the buffet table - and don't try to talk to God - he's busy. And could you come in through the loading dock? Oh, and do you have a sound system we could use during breaks?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman is that the Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off 'a my cloud", and the Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off 'a my ewe!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the double bass player who played so far out of tune that the singer noticed??? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman and her friend are walking down the street when they come upon a frog. The frog looks up at them and says, "Please help me, I'm a jazz saxophonist and a witch put a horrible spell on me and turned me into a frog. If one of you picks me up and kisses me, the spell will be broken and I'll turn back into a jazz saxophonist... I'll marry you, play you the most beautiful songs all the time, take you to all my gigs if you want, and we'll live happily ever after." The woman picks up the frog, puts it in her handbag and starts walking away very quickly. Her friend runs to catch up to her & asks, "Aren't you going to kiss the frog?!?!?" The woman replies, "Hell NO! A talking frog is worth a hell of lot more than a jazz saxophonist!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Country-Western Song Titles: "I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win" "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart" "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How many double bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None, the piano player can do that with his left hand. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him some sheet music ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source? Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always slows down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond? Eventually the bond will mature and earn money. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? 5, 1 to change the bulb and 4 to hold the lead guitarist out of the light. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you know a trombone player's kids are on the playground? They can't swing and complain about the slide! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you put a twinkle in a singer's eye? Shine a torch in her ear! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Eventually the puppy stops whining! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ They say most guys only have one girl...but a guitar player always has his pick ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you know if a singer is at your door? She can’t find the key and she doesn't know when to come in! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... (no that's not the joke)... Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band. "Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!" "Yeah," Duke replies, "it's okay." The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!" Duke replied, "Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop." The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She exclaims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Researchers wanted to determine if dogs took on the characteristics of their masters. So they set up an experiment in their lab with three dog owners and their dogs. The first owner was a mathematician, the second a chemist, the third a musician! The first dog, owned by the mathematician, was quite impressive, and when thrown a bunch of bones onto the floor, used her paws to begin arranging them into elaborate mathematical equations! "Pretty good!" said the researchers, "but not conclusive!" The second dog, owned by the chemist, when thrown a bunch of bones on the floor, began to arrange them to display complex chemical formulas! "Not bad!" said the researchers, "but still not conclusive enough!" However, the results of the third dog WERE very convincing in proving that dogs DO take on characteristics of their owners... for the musician's dog... came late, ate all the bones, did the business with the other two dogs and left early! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear that last year all of Bach's original manuscripts began disappearing! Fearing the occult was to blame, researchers dug up his grave and found the answer... he was decomposing! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What is the difference between a singer and a rotweiller? A: Jewellery ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why are harps like elderly parents?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What's the range of a tuba? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you fix a broken tuba? A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change
his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What's the least-used sentence in the English language? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ |
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